Wish I Could Touch Your Pain
by wild-angel82
Summary: JJ is dealing with her guilt over Reid getting kidnapped by Tobias and Emily wishes she could help. JJ/Emily


A/N: OK, a couple of things before you read the story. This is my first Emily/JJ fic (and my first Criminal Minds fic for that matter), so I'm a little nervous about posting it, but I decided not to let that fear discourage me. It's been a while since I've written anything (except for two almost finished chapters of my McLeod's Daughters story), but the whole JJ/Emily thing has really hit me hard and I seem to have all of those ideas in my head now… This is the first one that I actually managed to turn into a story. It's kind of a songfic, but it involves actual plot too, hehe :D So let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: Of course I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters. I wish I did, though.

**Wish I Could Touch Your Pain**

"Have either of you seen JJ?" You ask Reid and Morgan who seem to be engrossed in a lively discussion by the bullpen. Normally you'd probably join in and try to find out what's going on, but right now all you want to do is find your female colleague.

"I think she's in her office." You hear Morgan's reply and he seems to want to add something else, but you are no longer listening to him. You head towards the press liaison's office hoping that she indeed would be there. You realize that you haven't really seen her that much in the last couple of days. And while it is not uncommon for JJ to bury herself in work in her office, either going through paperwork or new cases for the team, she usually tends to emerge from her sanctuary from time to time to get a cup of coffee or simply take a break from looking at crime scenes and dead people. You haven't seen her do that in a couple of days and it worries you. You've been at work a lot in the last couple of days, so it does seem odd that you would not run into the press liaison here and there.

Ever since the Tobias Henkel case, you have seen the change in JJ, but initially you decided to just let it go. After all, who wouldn't be a little quiet and reserved after going through what JJ went through during that case. But as days went by, JJ became more and more distant, unwilling to talk to anybody any more than the job required. She stopped laughing at Morgan's jokes (although there haven't been that many of those recently obviously) or socializing with the rest of the team when they would find occasional 5 or 10 minutes when they didn't have to be fully concentrated on the job. And even though it might seem like a normal reaction to a very tough case, you know that it's slightly more than that. You do remember how JJ blamed herself for what happened to Reid and even though she has tried to reassure everybody that she no longer does, you know very well that it's still there. You know that the horrible feeling she had of being responsible for someone on the team getting hurt is still there, but you wish more than anything, for her sake, that it would go away. Or that she would at least talk to you about it. Because what is killing you even more than the sole fact of JJ being in pain is the fact that she won't let you help. She will talk to you, smile, and be the best damn press liaison that she can be, but then she would disappear to God knows where and continue to blame herself for something that wasn't her fault.

_I've never seen such empty eyes *_

_Until I looked around this room tonight_

_You've got a private little world and empty little stare_

_You silently convince yourself that nobody cares, oh baby_

You open the door to JJ's office and it surprises you when she doesn't react. She just keeps staring blankly at the papers in front of her, without moving a muscle.

"JJ?" You speak softly, not wanting to startle her. It is at that moment that she realizes that she's being watched, so she frantically starts to move some papers around, trying to pretend that this is what she's been doing all along. You honestly have no idea why she bothers. Doesn't she know you could see right through that?

When she finally lifts her head and looks up at you, for a moment you are able to look straight into her eyes. And they scare you. They seem darker than usual and there is something about them that makes you very worried about your friend.

"Hi." She replies nonchalantly. "Did you need something?"She asks, trying to remain casual, and again it amazes you that she does that, because there is no way she doesn't know that you have a very good idea of what is going on with her.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing?" You inquire, as you decide not to push her right at the very beginning, though you have decided a while ago that you will not let her brush you off for the umpteenth time since you came back from that horrible case.

"I'm fine." Her answer is the same as it always is, every time someone asks that question. You know it's not true and she must see in your eyes that you know she's lying, so it is beyond you why she keeps insisting that she's fine. And you feel like this time you can't just let it go. It has gone on for far too long. The pretend smiles, the 'I'm busy, so I have to close myself in my office for 10 hours straight' routine, the lack of social interaction with the other team members. And it is driving you absolutely crazy that she has the audacity to tell you, you of all people, that she is fine. What a joke.

"If you were, you'd be up there by the bullpen with Morgan and Reid making stupid jokes instead of here staring at the wall." You reply and look at her with somewhat cold eyes, to make sure she knows you're not kidding around this time and you are not letting her off the hook.

"Well I'm sorry if my actually doing my job is not sitting well with the rest of the team." She shoots back, trying really hard to make you convinced that she means it, but you know better.

"Oh cut the crap, JJ!" You say as you become more and more angry. You almost want to slap her for thinking she can play those games with you. They may work with Reid or Morgan, or even Hotch, but for her to think she can even try and hide her real feelings from you? "Don't you fucking dare tell me that everything is all dandy when I know damn well that it's not!"

"So now you know better than me how I feel?" She asks standing up and appears to be angry, but you know it's just a façade, because once again she doesn't want to let you see her real feelings. But she's a fool if she thinks she can hide anything from you and you know that deep down she knows that too.

_Wish I could touch your pain_

_You think you're all alone, we all feel the same_

_Your isolation leaves you nothing to gain_

_Wish I could touch, wish I could touch your pain_

"I don't pretend to know how you feel." You say calmly. And you really don't. You know you can't imagine what she has been through and you can't get the hang of all the things she must be feeling, but you know enough to be able to tell that she's going through something. "I don't know how you feel." You repeat. "But I do know that you're not fine. This much I do know. And please don't try and deny it or say that you're OK. Don't insult me, JJ." You almost whisper and once again you manage to look straight into her eyes. This time she doesn't look away and begins to study your face intently as if trying to decide whether to keep up the charade or finally be honest with you. Something tells you she now knows she can't keep pretending, but at the same time you know how she wants to appear tough and all that, so you know she won't just tell you what's bothering her. At least not yet. But in her eyes you can see that maybe she has finally admitted defeat and she will no longer continue to hide from you behind stacks of papers and files that she pretends to be so busy with every time you walk into her office.

"I can't talk about this, Emily." She finally whispers and you become mad at her again, because just when you thought you were getting somewhere, she is trying to shut you out again. But it's not gonna work this time. Not this time, you promise yourself.

"Yes you can!" You almost scream as you lock the door to the office. You are not leaving until she lets you help and now you are looking at her meaningfully, making sure she knows that sooner or later she is going to have to let it all out or you are both going to starve right there in her office. "Talk to me, JJ." You beg as you take one step closer to her and you are now on the opposite sides of her desk. "Please, just talk to me." You implore again as you cover her hand with yours.

"I can't." She says again as she slides her hand from underneath yours and takes a step back, so that she is now almost leaning against the back wall. "I can't talk about this, because it takes everything that I am for me not to fall apart. It takes everything that I am for me to get up in the morning and come here and do my job and do it well. And every time someone asks me how I'm doing, I have to say that I'm fine, because if I don't, if I start talking about how I really feel, I won't be able to stop and it will ruin everything." She finally admits and you can see how hard she's trying to hold back her tears. It kills you to see her like that, but you know that if she doesn't start talking about her real feelings soon, it will destroy her. It's already taking its toll and the way she has chosen to deal with the whole situation is just not working.

"Ruin what?" you ask not really sure what she means.

"Everything." She repeats. "My whole life."

_I have felt the emptiness in the falling of the night_

_When a love is lost and paths uncrossed, you're dying inside_

_It's only life no matter how you play it, it can come out the same_

_It's just a series of plays where the characters change, baby_

"What life?" You almost laugh. "The one where you use all your strength to pretend that you're fine? The one where you hide from us, won't talk to us, because God forbid someone would force you to say how you really feel? The life where you won't look Reid in the eye, because you're too scared to see his reaction?" At the sound of Reid's name, JJ almost winces, which does not go unnoticed by you of course. "What, do you plan on never having an honest conversation with Reid or any one of us? You're just gonna keep smiling and burying yourself in work and keep pretending that all of us don't exist outside of the BAU office? Is that the life you mean JJ? Because honestly I don't see you having any other kind at the moment."

"Just stop!" She almost cries and you can see the tears that are now streaming down her face. "Please, just don't do this!"

"No!" You say firmly as you move to the other side of the desk and stand so close to her that your hands are almost touching. "You stop this!" You practically scream at her. "You have to stop doing this to yourself, JJ! Whatever it is that you think that you have to do to get over what happened, you have to stop! It's not working! Not for you, not for any one of us. And we…" Your voice starts breaking and you feel your own tears rolling down your cheek. "I can't stand to see you like this. I can't stand to see you keep doing this to yourself. All I wanna do is help you, but I can't if you don't let me."

"You can't help me! No one can help me!" This time it's her who starts screaming and as much as it hurts you, you know that in the long run it's going to be good for her. She has to let it all out, she has to scream and cry and finally get rid of all the pent up anger and all those emotions that you know are boiling inside her. "Besides…" she adds after a short pause. "I don't deserve your help! I don't deserve your concern! Not after what I did to Reid." You want to interject, but as soon as she sees that you are trying to say something, she continues. "And you're right – I can't look Reid in the eyes! I can't look him in the eyes, because every time I do, I get reminded of how I almost got him killed! And no matter what he does or what he says, it's always gonna be there. I'm always gonna be that damn press liaison who left him all alone to get kidnapped! Every time he looks at me , he is gonna remember one of the worst experiences of his life!" this time she is practically sobbing, more and more tears streaming down her face. You desperately want to do something to ease her pain, but you have no idea what. Finally, you put your hand on her shoulder hoping that your touch will somehow make it easier for her. Maybe it's naïve on your part to think so, but you wanna believe that the simple gesture will mean something to her.

_Wish I could touch your pain_

_You think you're all alone, we all feel the same_

_Your isolation leaves you nothing to gain_

_Wish I could touch, wish I could touch your pain_

"JJ…" you begin to say something, not yet knowing what, but she cuts you short.

"How do you think that makes me feel, huh?" she cries harder and harder and suddenly feels that she has no more strength to stand, so she just sits on the floor with her back against the wall. You feel sudden cold on the hand that just a second ago was touching JJ's shoulder. "Those horrible memories are gonna haunt Reid for the rest of his life and I have to live with the knowledge that it's all my fault! And I hate myself for what I did, and I hate myself for feeling sorry for myself, when really the only person I should be concerned about is Reid! And he is the one asking me if I'm OK… This is just wrong! It's all wrong. And I…" she takes a deep breath to continue her outburst, but this time you have decided that enough is enough. She has let it all out, but you'll be damned if you're gonna let her talk herself down like that.

You kneel beside her and put your finger on her lips to silence her. "Don't you dare think like that, do you hear me?" You say firmly, making sure she looks you straight in the eyes as you say it. "Don't you fucking dare think like that. Ever again! What happened to Reid was not your fault!" You say calmly, looking at her to make sure you get your message across. "It was not your fault." You repeat, partly hoping that once you do, it will make her believe that. "Even Reid doesn't think that it was your fault." You remind her, but it only seems to fuel her momentary self-hate.

"But he should!" She insists through tears. "He should! He should hate me!" She almost screams and it breaks your heart to see how much pent up emotions she has been keeping inside her. "Why doesn't he hate me, Emily? Why?" She looks at you as she wipes tears from her eyes, desperately wanting for you to answer that question.

"I think you know why." You simply say and you realize that there is no way this conversation is going to end without you taking JJ in your arms. At this point you no longer know whether it's because you feel like she needs it or because you so desperately need more physical contact with her, but you extend your hands and pull her into a hug. You wrap your arms around her and you are relieved to see that she doesn't protest or pull away. "No one could ever hate you." You finally whisper into her ear as you run your hand through her hair in a comforting gesture. And you believe it's true. You can't imagine anyone ever hating JJ and your only wish is for her to remember what an amazing person she is. And for her to stop hurting. She has been through enough and it kills you to see all the guilt in her eyes.

You feel her ease into your arms and for a moment the two of you stay like this, because at that particular moment nothing else needs to be said or done.

_Wish I could touch your pain_

_You think you're all alone, we all feel the same_

_Your isolation leaves you nothing to gain_

_Wish I could touch, wish I could touch_

_I wish I could touch your pain_

_(I wish) You see, we all feel the same_

_Your isolation leaves you nothing to gain_

_Wish I could touch, wish I could touch your pain_

"Is this ever going to stop?" She finally asks through tears as she pulls away a little bit to be able to face you again? "The guilt? The horrible feeling that I caused some pain? Every time I close my eyes, I either see Reid's hurting face or those damn dogs… Those fucking dogs…" she starts sobbing again and this time it's her who seeks the comfort of your arms and puts her head on your shoulder. You feel her muscles tense a little bit, but once she finds a more comfortable position, she relaxes once again. You pull her even closer and wrap your arms tightly around her, almost afraid that you're going to scare her away, but you don't. You suddenly feel the warmth of her hands on your back and you realize that for whatever reason, you seem to actually be helping her. Or at least you hope you are. And it still kills you to think about all her pain, but you're glad she's finally letting you help. You want to say something, but after a while you realize that there is nothing really that you can say that will make any difference right now. So you just continue to hold her and maybe if you hold her close enough, you'll be able to take some of that pain away.

* The song is Wish I Could Touch Your Pain by Dave Robyn.


End file.
